Yes! You Want A Relationship!
And that brings us on to the question of how come you’re not in a relationship already?
Be honest. Are you struggling with relationships, maybe a little bit? I’m assuming you wouldn’t even be reading this if you didn’t think something was missing from your love life / relationship skills / dating technique.
The Importance Of Being In Your Natural Gender Role
Are you thinking, “Yeah, but that’s different for every woman”?
Because if you are, then you need to think again.
Let me ask you a question. Do you feel like a “real man”? Do you feel “masculine”? Do you know what it means when people say “He’s a manly man”?
And if there was a scale where zero – 0 – was completely feminine and 100 was completely masculine, where would you put yourself on it? Just think about that for a moment.
What I know about most men in society is that they have no sense of what masculinity is, and they certainly have no sense of what women are looking for in a man.
You see, we men are at a disadvantage when we grow up. We have to learn how to be men. Women have it easy by comparison.
They’re born to a woman, they stick around their mother, they pick up exactly what it means to be feminine every minute of every day from their mother and their mother’s friends and their sisters… and all the other female relatives and friends they come across.
That’s how it is for them; their world is the world of the feminine.
Now think of a little boy born to a woman. Yes, he’s completely dependent on her for quite some time after he’s born.
But there comes a point where he begins to realize he’s different to her.
Hardly surprising. Not least, he has a penis, and he knows or guesses that girls and women don’t. So now he wants to be more like – well, who?
His father, for sure. He wants to learn how to be a man from his father. He wants to be able to do all the things that boys like to do with the support of his father, rather than have his mother saying “be careful” or “put your coat on” every time he just wants to play in the way that boys do.
Not that there’s nothing wrong with that – it’s a mother’s job to protect. And it’s the father’s job to give the boy confidence to go out in the world and explore who he is, and to find his place in the world.
In fact, it’s the father’s job to support the boy as his masculinity develops. And an important part of that is to teach the boy how he should “be” with women…. and by that I mean partly by example (being a real man around women), and partly by actually instructing his boy (sharing his knowledge, hanging out with him).
That is how a dad shows a boy how to be a man. And then at 13 or 14, there needs to be some sort of initiation process which introduces a boy into the secrets of masculinity in the society that he lives in.
Sidebar – Father Richard Rohr on initiation.
Well, at least that’s the theory.
In practice most of our fathers were not taught how to be men, and certainly don’t know how to be strong and powerful and compassionate and loving with women.
Many of them wimp out because they find it easier NOT to stand up for themselves, or because they just don’t know HOW to stand up for themselves; and many of them don’t fulfill their responsibilities to their children (boys or girls) either because they’re just not there or because they find it easier to work all the time.
And some dads let everybody down by their behavior – uncontrolled emotion, violence, and worse….
So is it any wonder that you don’t know how to be in a relationship with a woman?
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that somehow you just grow up knowing this stuff. Nothing could be further from the truth. You have to be taught how to be a man, you have to learn how to be with women in the way that they desire.
If not from your father, then who?
Let’s pause for a moment.
I just want to you to think about what I’ve said. Do you know what women want from you?
Which means: do you know what will turn a woman on, give her a little tingle in her pants at the thought of you, and make her loyal, adoring, respectful, and devoted to you, ready to make love to you simply because she desires you so much?
No. Of course you don’t. I think maybe 1% or 2% of men at the most know this.
Make no mistake about it. When you’re being the man a woman wants and you can give her what she needs to feel safe secure and happy, she will stay with you because you’ve marked yourself out as a man who’s a cut above the rest.
Sidebar – What do women want from a man?
Here’s what they want….
A man who’s different to most of the wimps out there. (For wimp read “feminized man”, a man who does not behave in a male gender role. A man who is not in control of himself, his life or the relationship.)
When a woman feels safe, secure and happy with a man she desires him sexually. That’s because subconsciously she’s got him marked down as a potentially good father to her children.
Nowadays, of course, we all have the choice of having kids or not; even so, what women are motivated to find is a man who they subconsciously see as a man capable of, to put it crudely, providing for and protecting them and their children.
Something important emerges from this: “providing” and “protecting” mean something different in our modern society from what they used to mean. It’s not about financially providing; it’s not about protecting against the invading hordes from a foreign tribe. And we can consider ourselves very fortunate because of that.
Explain Gender Roles
I’m sure you can see how everything you do in life, including the way you are in your relationships with women, comes from the beliefs you hold about yourself and about the world in general. What do you believe women want from a man, for example?
Whatever you believe about women plays out when you are with them.
(The same is true, as we shall see, of what you believe about yourself.)
Say you have a set of beliefs that are actually incorrect (e.g. women want a “macho” man, or a rich man, or women are all “gold diggers” at heart). Then your behavior towards women is going to be in line with those beliefs.
If you haven’t been having much success in this area, then the first place you need to start looking is the beliefs you hold about yourself, about women, and about men and women in relationship; especially the beliefs that are stopping you from getting what you want.
You might think that all men and all women are different. And of course, in some ways you’d be right. But the truth is that at our roots, in our deepest selves, once you’ve brushed away the flim-flam, all men are driven by the same fundamental male instincts, and all women are driven by the same female instincts.
And when there’s a polarity of masculinity and femininity that allows a woman to express these deepest aspects of herself with a man, sparks fly, because physical attraction is immediate.
And from that comes emotional attraction, and the possibility of a long-term relationship.
But, as I said above, very few boys learn how to be men from their fathers in our society.
Make no mistake though. Important though this is, you do not have to be a completely different man to succeed with women.
Rather, you have to “switch on” those parts of your masculinity that are not currently working, or tune up those parts of your masculinity that aren’t working well.
What is a “real man”? It has nothing to do with the John Wayne, swaggering macho-man image.
It’s much more about things like having integrity (doing what you say you will do), holding yourself accountable (taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions, intended or unintended); it’s about moral strength, having a set of values by which you live, maybe having a mission or purpose in life which is greater than yourself; it’s about being loyal to those you care for; about keeping your word.
About doing the right thing.
About being a decent, honorable man who lives in accordance with the impulses of his male gender.
And make no mistake, most of us men don’t do these things. Many of us were brought up by women who were frightened of male energy, and consciously or unconsciously tried to suppress it with “NO”: “Don’t do that.” “Be careful.” “Don’t take risks.” “You’ll fall if you do that.” You know what I’m talking about.
As I already explained, fathers are often not around to provide the necessary male energy boys need, or if they are around they just don’t know how to do it, and sometimes they’re just too feminized themselves to see what’s needed.
If you think about the men you admire, would you say there was anything “feminine” or feminized about them? How do you think you compare to them?
So, back to the subject of beliefs. One of the key things about the female gender is a desire for a man who is strong enough to accept female emotions without flinching or responding as though it was all personal.
The problem is, most men think a woman’s feelings are personal. But they are just HER feelings. HER judgements. HER stuff. You need to learn how to deal with it logically.
Most men come from an emotional place in the relationship, which is actually the woman’s job. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that men can’t be emotional, or open or feeling. Of course they can.
The point is that in a relationship women require a steady rock against which their emotions can “bash” – think of the waves crashing on a rock, which remains unmoved by the power.
If you see the waves as feminine emotion and yourself as the rock, then you’re getting somewhere near the ideal state of the male-female relationship.
And the interesting thing is that when men can be as solid as that for a woman, the woman’s emotionality decreases over time.
The reason being, she feels safe, which is one of the fundamental things all women want from a man. (Along with being cherished, being desired, and a number of others.)
What it really means is that you’re not allowed to make emotionally-based decisions. If you start making emotionally-based decisions, the women you’re with will feel that they can’t make emotionally-based decisions. Two emotional people do not make a healthy relationship!
To compensate, the women will begin to replace their feelings with logic, and will start to lead the relationship. Role reversal will occur: you will be forced into the female gender role, and she will be forced into the male gender role. Neither of you will be happy with the dynamic in the relationship, and you will blame each other for your unhappiness.